Love is all you need....

So, it's been awhile since I posted, and even longer since I felt inspired.  It's sad to say, but my life has been less than inspiring lately.  I got down and wallowed in it for a while but now things are changing.  Someone recently asked me if I had ever thought about writing down my testimony and to tell you the truth, it has always seemed a little daunting.  I mean, how do you put into words what God has done for you and what pain he has brought you through. I don't even feel worthy to be here at all, everything I am is because of God's grace.  So for those of you who don't know, here goes.

I have known and loved the Lord from an early age, but looking back I know I didn't recognize his hands in my life.  My early life was not pretty, I have physical and emotional scars that have taken a long time to heal.  But through all the turmoil and abuse, my God was there.  He was there and I didn't know it.  I came to personally know the Lord at 9 years old, I was baptized and forgiven, but I had yet to forgive.  I went through those years with my Dad with hate.  Hate for the Mother who abandoned me, hate for the ex step-father who couldn't keep his hands off of me, hate for the Father who didn't know any other way of communication but yelling and violence.  I had plenty to go around and blamed everyone else for my problems but myself.  Little did I know that the Lord had a plan.  I spent my high school years trying to get the best grades and get myself out of that house.  When I finally did I found out just how unprepared I was.  I sulked back home with my tail between my legs.  The issues that I had never worked through finally broke to the surface as I did everything I could to rebel against the God I thought had forgotten about me.  I didn't manage my money at all, even worse I ran from guy to guy seeking the love I never got at home.  Eventually I ended up in Arkansas with my Mom and let's just say it wasn't easy at first.  We had issues we had never worked through and the walls I built to keep them buried started cracking.  Eventually I met and married a wonderful man, but we weren't ready for what lay ahead of us.  It was an uphill climb from the start.  I quickly realized that I knew nothing about the man I had promised my life to.  People always say that marriage is hard, they neglect to tell you just how hard.  I was prepared for hard, this was almost unbearable.  Sure we had good times, but more often than not, we were fighting.  He will be quick to say that the biggest problems were his, but that would be a lie.  My unresolved issues with ex Step-dad and Dad quickly snowballed into me not being able to trust or commit myself fully to our marriage.  We were living apart in 2009, I was going up there on the weekends, but for all intents and purposes, we were separated.  I wouldn't find this out until later, but he was going to file for divorce that next week.  I had just gotten to the house after driving all day, we had eaten and retired for the evening when I had the worst headache of my life.  I quickly became numb completely on my right side and my speech was starting to slur.  My husband quickly called 911 and his parents.  The aneurysm I never knew I had burst, causing a stroke.  I woke up a few weeks later with no other thought than for my husband.  I knew from the moment I came to that he and I were meant to be.  I also had a complete faith in God that had been absent before.  I cannot explain it any other way.  I realized how lucky I was and how God had been there all along.  That's not to say it has all been easy since I woke up.  I had to relearn everything, my husband and I divorced, I had to have a tubal because of the aneurysm.  But I have found a way to praise God for everything, and to see the bright side.  My husband and I are working things out and there are so many children that need homes.  There were and still are days when all I want to do is cry, but God is amazing and has led me to find peace in little victories.  Like when I first climbed up and down steps even though I was afraid, or when I got up in front of the church to sing although I was scared to death.

I guess if I had anything to say it would be this, don't ever think that there is nothing good for you, there is.  Don't ever believe that you cannot accomplish something, you can.  Never doubt yourself, you are amazing.  And to young girls and women, never settle for anything less than what God promises you.  You may come from a broken home or horrible background, but if God can make something beautiful from the mess I was he can do the same for you.  He loves you and I do too.  It will be alright, God is always there just waiting for you to ask for his help.  He has a plan, you were meant for greatness.

And as for all the hate and anger, It is amazing what God can do with it if you let him..  The enemy will to everything he can to keep you mired down in hate, but it doesn't do anything for you.  It doesn't accomplish anything good at all, love does.  Love is all that matters in the end.....

As humans, we come into this world wrecked, flawed and incomplete.  We are lacking something and we know it.  We were originally created to be holy, but something happened.  We fell, Adam and Eve were convinced that God did not know all, that they could do better.  Therefore we will never be what God intended for us to be until he returns.  On that glorious day we will be transformed into what we were meant to be.  Until then we have to learn to navigate this cruel world the way God would want us to. 


We always seem to get sidetracked.  We all seem to have a case of spiritual ADD.  We are always looking for the next big thing, what the world tells us will make us happy and complete.  The truth is only God can fulfill that need in us and only He can accomplish His great work in us.  Anything else is just a pitiful excuse.   


He formed us with a desire.  He made us to crave that is only met by him.  There is nothing in this world that will fulfill it but God.  At some point in everyone's life we are presented with a choice, come to Jesus and follow him or continue to try and make on our own.  It is sad but most of us will choose the latter, thinking that we can do it on our own.  We continue in our own selfish, self-destructing ways spiraling down farther towards the enlightenment that always seems to escape us.  When we turn from that and turn to Christ as our savior and accept what he did for us on the cross, we begin the process that takes us to what God intended us to be.  We are unable to attain such perfection on earth and we definitely cannot do it ourselves, but once we are saved we begin to see our destructive natures for what they are and begin to desire a change.  That is when Gods' Holy Spirit begins to move in us, we start to yearn for Him and what He can do in our lives. 


Once God moved in my life, I no longer desired what moved me before.  All I wanted was his will for my life.  Yet still in my sinful nature, I thought I knew what God would want for my life.  I was still listening to the worlds' view.  The world views God through human eyes, we cannot understand his ways.  Psalm 46:10 says:


" Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth." 


We must learn to listen for God.  His voice isn't always a roar, many times it is a whisper.  It also does not always come when we want it to, that is where patience comes in.  We live in a world that values speediness and instant gratification.  The God we serve does not move that way, He moves on his timetable, not ours.  He will move when everything is in place, not a moment before.  He will often wait for us to yield to his will before he moves in a situation, other times he has plans that supersede ours.  In those instances we must learn through prayer and study that Gods' will is always better than ours, and it will be done.  We must change our thoughts and actions to be more like His and less like the worlds....

Beauty for ashes....

"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." Romans 12:1-2


These verses mean so much to me.  I love them dearly.  They explain beautifully what we are called to do.  Just because we live on this earth, we do not have to bow to it or its dark prince.  The Bible states very clearly in many places that we are supposed to live like Christ.  He is to be our example.  Even though we can never be perfect, we have the opportunity to let the Holy Spirit renew, remake, and remodel our minds.  Listen closely to that.  Re means again, it indicates repetition.  Essentially meaning we, through Gods' spirit are able to make our minds new again!  That means that no matter who you are or what you have done, you have a chance at freedom in Christ.  You cannot do it yourself, but if you trust in God and put forth the effort, you will have something beautiful.  Isaiah called it beauty for ashes and that is a fitting description.  That is really all we are able to bring to God.  All the scraps of humanity and good deeds we do look like ashes next to the Holiness of God.  But then a miracle happened, God found beauty in those ashes.  Not because of anything we did or could do, but because of who he is.  Thats why he sent his Son, God made flesh, to walk this world and experience it.  He wants to grant us beauty, wholeness, and forgiveness.  It is free for us to recieve and there is nothing we can do to earn it.  It is by grace and faith that we recieve it.  When we begin to be renewed, all the other stuff that is so difficult for us comes.  Not immediately but gradually, as we invite Him into our lives daily and present our bodies a living sacrifice.  It is hard and we are going to stumble, but its at those times that we look up and see our redeemer waiting, with his outstreched hands.....

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."  Isaiah 61:3

How will they know?

"How then shall they call on him in whom they have not believed?  And how shall the believe in him of whom they have not heard?  And how will they hear without a preacher?"  Romans 10:4

Will they see it in our actions?  Will they hear it in our speech?  Is our day to day life reflecting our fater, or do our mirrors need adjusting?

The people of the world need to see the word of God reflected in us.  How else will they be able to tell we are God's children?  It won't matter if we talk the talk if we can't or won't back it up with our daily lives.  Do the people that are closest to you know that you serve the Living God?  Will the stranger that you don't even realize that you are witnessing to be able to see Christ in your words?  Has it gotten boring, do you think that it doesn't matter or are you just afraid?  If you can't find the inspiration, I guarantee you are looking in the wrong place.  Our God is never dull or boring!!!  And your actions and attitudes always matter to him.....

Changes

Oh, its been a while since I posted.  I have been just really wrapped up in myself and issues....  My divorce is final now and I have been dealing with that.  Also I have also had to make a very important life decision.  I had an aneurysm back in 2009, and it was caused by some weak vessels in my brain.  Since then they have found that there is a minor spot forming in my brain again.  My neurologist already was telling me not to have children and so now I really do not think this is a good idea.  And that is the tough part. I want children.  I have always wanted to raise a child of my own.  Now that dream is out of my reach.  I have been praying a lot about it and my Dr. and I have been talking about it also.  This morning our pastor spoke on Hebrews 12, it really resonated with me and I felt God speaking to me.  I now feel that the option that my Dr. and I spoke about is the best option.  I feel that there are so many children out there that need good homes.  There is no need for sadness in my decision to have a tubal on my part.  I feel that even if I do not have children that I birthed myself, I will impact a child or possibly some children's lives.  I feel that God is capable of anything.  He can accomplish anything that he chooses, according to his perfect will.  For now I will do as Paul said in Philippians 3:13-14

  "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are beforeI press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus"

You see God can bring you through any adversity, but it has to be on his terms.  That is what I am striving for, completing his perfect will for my life.  That means I may have to give up on things happening the way I dreamed they would and pray for him to perfect his work in me....

Its not just about you..... Break the cycle!

We often don't realize how what we do, think, or speak affects other people.  Not just the people in our lives now, but future generations.  We won't see how our feelings will influence our future children and grandchildren.  Chaos breeds chaos.  If you grow up in in chaos, you will probably put yourself in chaotic situations.  Stop and think about that for a minute, have you ever wondered why you gravitate toward certain behaviors?  You probably grew up seeing those behaviors, it's what you know.  If your not careful, you will perpetuate the cycle in your own family.  I know, because my life was chaotic from the start.  I never really knew anything else.  How do we let our children grow up in those situations?  Its not fair to let them see our petty arguments, hear cursing, or see violence.  They deserve better than that.  But its not just our children and grandchildren that are affected, Their children and grandchildren will suffer the consequences.  I really believe that things like that are passed down.  Just like the color of your eyes or the crook in your smile, your anger, hatred and intolerance are passed down too.  What they hear you say or see you do is very important at a young age.  How much is nature and how much is nurture I don't know, but I do know that it is a problem.  We are feeding our children bad attitudes and indirectly serving their children bitterness.  The bible says in James 3 talks about the tongue.

"Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things.  Behold how great things a little fire kindleth!"  James 3:5

You can see that the tongue is important.  It is a small part of the body, but it is essential to everyday life.  We need to think about what we say, how we say it, and more importantly, what our actions are saying to the people around us.  Especially what they are saying to the little ones watching us.   

Writers Block...

I have been trying to come up with something to write for a while, but I am experiencing a writers block of sorts.  I have so many things I want to say.  I want to encourage, lift up and send love to the hurt and grieving.  There are no words though.  It is a very powerful weekend, we lost our loved ones and we lost our security. We lost that sense of safety that we as Americans feel we are entitled to.  I still have no words to express my feelings of that day.  I remember where I was. I was at school, still reeling from the loss of life that happened a little closer to home just a day before.  There are many people who were closer to Danielle than I was but the shock of it still sends me reeling.  Already raw, a community was left to deal with all the painful emotions that came with September 11th.  It never seems fair, to lose a life, but the loss of so many lives on one day stripped us of innocense and safety.  It left us vunerable and angry.  More so for us in my tiny hometown.  We were already greiving a loss when it happened and I don't know which one affected me more.  I still don't have the words to write a blog.  All of my personal stuff keeps getting in the way, but I am working through it.